The Magic of eBay
by The Sarcastic Polar Bear
Summary: Porter realized with a sickening horror what had happened. He had been sold on eBay.


**Hi! By popular demand, here is a Porter eBay story! My friend ImHereAndTyping helped out. She was herself, Lyndsey. I was Porter and myself, Jara! We own ourselves, and that's all folks.**

Dean Porter shot up in bed at the sound of his door being flung open. He jumped out of bed and clutched his gun, pointing it in front of him as he crept out of his bedroom. He peered down the hall, and heard voices.

"Shh! He'll hear us!" Jara whispered

"But he has cookies!" Lyndsey whispered back.

"Okay, take a cookie. Then we'll grab him."

"Yay!" She reached in and grabbed a couple of cookies. "I hope these aren't poisoned," Lyndsey muttered.

Jara shrugged. "I hope not." She herself started to nibble into a cookie, but saw the FBI agent they were targeting in the doorway. "There he is!" she shrieked.

"Ah! It's him! Beat him down! " Lyndsey shrieked, throwing her cookie in the air.

Jara threw her head back and beat her chest, wailing an Indian war cry.

Shocked, Porter arched his brow and watched as the two teenage girls wailed. He slowly lowered his gun, and Jara took the time to pounce on him. She smashed her fists all over his chest and dug her fingers into his hair, tearing out strands of it. "You!" she yelled.

Lyndsey ran forward and pulled off Porter's shoe. She then started to repeatedly beat him in the stomach with it. "I hate you so freakin much!" she screamed.

Porter wriggled out from underneath the girls. "I'm an FBI agent!"

"Not a good one," Jara scoffed.

"And I care about your profession because. . .?" Lyndsey muttered.

Jara narrowed her eyes and stepped closer to the black haired man. "You hurt Olivia," she growled.

"What are you talking about?" Porter snapped.

"You broke her heart!" Jara screamed.

Lyndsey advanced on him. "You were mean to Elliot," she snapped at him.

"How the hell do you two know this?" Porter seethed, aiming his gun. Jara glared at him and raised a gun of her own, although hers was a much less scary taser. She screamed loudly before lunging at Porter. She pulled the trigger once she had the weapon pressed to his neck. He fell to the ground, and she smirked.

"Yay!" Lyndsey jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "We just know things," she whispered in his ear before landing a solid kick in his ribs.

Jara kicked him in the head. She bent down. "He's knocked out! Get the box!"

Lyndsey nodded and quickly ran outside. She was back within a matter of seconds, a huge box in her hands.

Jara heaved the FBI agent off of the floor. "He must like cookies. He weighs a freakin ton!"

He's fat! We can so blackmail him with this," Lyndsey said, holding open the box.

"He looks scrawny, but he must weigh a thousand pounds." Jara shoved him into the box and pushed it towards the door. "The van's ready?"

Lyndsey nodded quickly. She picked up one side of the box. "Dang, what does he eat?"

Jara thought for a second. "People."

"Probably. Considering how evil he is and looks," Lyndsey replied.

"Yep." Jara pulled out the keys from her pocket and climbed into the driver's seat. "Good thing I have a fake permit to drive this thing."

"I wish I could drive it," Lyndsey pouted. "But, I don't care, just drive really fast and hit a lot of potholes and speed bumps," she bounced up and down in her seat from the excitement.

Jara nodded. She turned on the engine and pressed her foot to the pedal, speeding right past a cop. "Uh oh. . ." she mumbled. She sped faster. "They're after us!"

"Wait! Maybe it's Fin! Or Olivia!" Lyndsey said, looking at the flashing blue and red lights.

Jara looked in the rearview mirror. "It's a weird, fat, bald cop!" She sped as fast as she could to get away from the police, running over several innocent pedestrians.

"Drive, Jara, drive! Look out for Kathy, so we can hit her!" Lyndsey let out a little laugh-scream type thing.

Jara laughed manically. "I see her!" she ran over the blonde woman and frowned. "Oops. I kinda ran over the wrong lady." She shrugged. "I'll just run over every blonde I see."

"Good strategy!" Lyndsey threw her head back and let out a loud laugh, high from the excitement.

Jara giggled and drove through the bushes until she reached their shack. She jumped out of the van. "Let's get him inside."

"Ugh, he's way too heavy! Don't make me use energy!" Lyndsey grumbled, getting out of the van.

"Come on, lazy," Jara whined. "I don't wanna use energy, either! But we'll get so much cash!"

"Money! Woo!" Lyndsey screamed, picking up her side of the box.

"Yes!" Jara helped Lyndsey drag the box into the shack and dug out the laptop she had hidden under the chair. "What should we sell him as? A doll? Punching bag?"

"Punching bag. He's to ugly and evil to be a doll," Lyndsey said, sitting on top of the box.

"Yay!" Jara squealed. "We'll get a lot of cash! We can buy awesome stuff!" She kicked the box three times.

"I like awesome stuff!" Lyndsey squealed. "Wait, I think I heard him moan,"

Jara ripped the box open and peered inside. "He's awake!"

Lyndsey grabbed a crowbar and hit him three times. "You think that did the trick?"

Jara grabbed the crowbar and threw it at Porter's crotch and nodded. She taped the box shut and screamed randomly. "Kidnapping makes me high," she stated calmly. "It's my crack."

Lyndsey doubled in over in laughter. "This is fun."

Jara nodded and fell on the ground, laughing hysterically.

Lyndsey joined in and turned a shade of red, "I can't breathe."

Jara giggled loudly before calming down. "Maybe I had too much Dr. Pepper."

"I think you did. I probably ate too many cookies. Oh well!" Lyndsey threw her hands in the air.

Suddenly, the laptop beeped. "Holy snot!" Jara wailed. "Someone paid 500 bucks for him!"

"Are you frikin kidding me? They must have had a mental relapse or something. Oh, they just think he's a punching bag." Lyndsey giggled at her stupidity.

"Nope. We can buy so many Twinkies! And cookies! And soda!"

"Junk food! Yay!"

"And we can buy lots of video games! And popcorn! And DVDs!"

"DVDs! Lots and lots of DVDs! POPCORN! WOO!"

Jara stuck the address sticker on it and shoved the box outside. "We did great!"

"High five! We are the bestest people on the planet!" Lyndsey held her hand up high.

Jara attempted to return the high five, but slipped on a random banana peel and fell to the floor. "Ouch."

"Oh my god! Are you okay?" Lyndsey held out her hand to help Jara up.

Jara grabbed the hand and pulled herself up. She grabbed the banana peel and threw it at the wall, and started screaming at the yellow peel, yelling, "DIE, BANANA PEEL!"

Lyndsey look at the box and scowled at it. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT DEAN ICKY PORTER!"

Jara jumped onto the box and jumped up and down on it. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"I'm tired. Let's look at him," Lyndsey pulled the box open a little. "Oops, looks like we broke his arm, and his ankle is swollen, and there's blood coming from his shoulder. Oh well!" Lyndsey shrugged her shoulders and jumped in the air.

Jara taped the box back up. The laptop beeped again. "We can use the money now!"

"WOO! What should we buy first?"

"Um... cookies!"

"COOKIES FOR THE SOUL!" Lyndsey screamed, hyper at the mention of cookies.

. . . . . . .

Porter woke, hours later, when he heard the box being pried open. "Look here, boys, we can rip this one apart!" roared a loud voice. Porter stood up. "Get back in there, bag." The muscular man shoved the beaten man into the box. "Damn thing won't last a minute with all six of us."

Porter realized with a sickening horror what had happened. He had been sold on eBay.

A note stuck inside the box read, "Sorry if this is uglier than the photo. Bye! Love, Jara and Lyndsey."


End file.
